Life & Death Introspection

So this past week was an interesting one for me. A dear friend of mine, Jan, underwent major surgery for a large growth in her abdomen. She had emergency surgery last April for a hernia that was life threatening. During that surgery, they found a grapefruit sized growth in her lower abdomen. Incessant harassment to pay the bills from said surgery followed by depletion of her savings, she was left with a great deal of fear. Being sixty-odd years old, relying upon meager social security, and knowing there is a tumor inside her, she was paralyzed with fear. However, as the tumor continued to grow, her ability to function normally diminished, and she realized she had to act. So she went back to the doctor early this year for CT Scans and blood work. The tumor had grown to the size of a basketball. After being shuffled here and there between doctors and specialists, she finally had a surgery date set for this past week.

I was able to be with her during some of her appointments and, once again, got to see the love and compassion of this wonderful woman. Even while waiting to hear if the tests for cancer had come back positive or negative, she ministered to other women in the doctor's office, offering her name and number for prayer. Jan has been ministering to the elderly, incarcerated and friends and family for years. Offering letters of support, love and compassion. She was an inspiration to me that even during a time she should be seeking to be ministered to, she was ministering to others. In doing so I believe she found much solace and comfort. Truly a glimpse of Kannon Bodhisattva in action.

The cancer test (CA125) came back 4 times higher than normal. While this test is only an 'indicator' to possible cancer, when it's the only indicator you have, it becomes very powerful.

So I spent most of this week in deep practice. Much chanting, sitting and just analyzing my thoughts and feelings while trying to find the right words to say to help her. I had great doubt that the day of surgery would be a happy one. Boy was I wrong. Her daughter (my ex-wife) SMS'd me after surgery with "It was BENIGN!". I was overwhelmed with emotion.

This brings me to my introspection. During my meditations I tried to see the joy in a life well lived and not focus on the threat of cancer. I tried to realize that this life is a privilege and even 5 minutes on this merry-go-round should be cherished and handled with deep gratitude. I tried to think about the lives Jan touched. How many received her love and compassion. I talked with her about being in the present moment. How we cannot change our past, nor predict the future. How our lives are so intertwined that the concepts of not-existing are just that. I used examples of how my mom, who passed away 16 years ago is still alive today and will continue to be in the reverberations and ripples to the infinite futures.

However I honestly struggled to accept this in my own heart. I saw the risk of losing her as a painful and negative implication on my life and the life of my children, her grandchildren.

Flash forward to the SMS...the sense of relief, the sense of joy were overwhelming. I realize that I still struggle with separation. With the duality of good and bad. Of seeing the impermanence in things and that this 'skin bag', as Daido Roshi calls it, is just that. I have the concepts, I have the mental comprehension, but I still lack the application in much of my practice.

My hope is that through exercises such as this I will continue to come to a deeper realization of life and death, of good and bad being simply concepts, of the suffering that this needlessly creates. That these introspective narratives will provide opportunities for clarity. That Great Faith, Great Doubt and Great Perseverance will help me to evolve into a deeper awareness of my practice.

I am truly thankful to be here. To have these opportunities of practice. To have friends like Jan who continue to teach me about love and compassion.

Many deep bows.

May we all be free of suffering, may we feel safe and still.

May we all be free from enmity, may we be loving grateful and kind.

May we all be healthy, at ease in all our ills.

May we all be at peace, embracing all conditions of life.

_/\_

Hope

Tears fall like poisoned rain,

Waves of heartache crash endlessly,

Aftershocks reverberate deep within,

Spring blooms eternal.

For the 30 children of Kama Elementary.

In Memory of Mom

My mom passed away March 3rd, 1995. She graced this world for 54 years. As I have been doing a lot of thinking about her lately and have found that I miss her dearly and more deeply than ever. I have decided to dedicate a special time of practice to her memory.

Seeking to have some meaning, yet requiring none, I will dedicate the 5 days before and 4 days after March third of zazen to her and on a greater level mothers as a whole. Their role, sacrifices and love is very much needed in the world. Many times I see the bodhisattva Kannon/Avalokitesvara as a reflection of the role that motherhood fills.

My mother was never a religious person but always supportive of my existential searching. She always said that if she entered a church the roof would fall in on her. As I continue to practice I am of the belief that her life was a beautiful representation of pure practice, pure love of life and investing her time and being into what matters. Thank you mom for being such a wonderful example.

Nine bows.

Sewing the Kesa

I have been putting off posting about my sewing of the kesa. It was such an intimate practice that words seem to just tarnish the beauty of it all.

But such is life.

Stitch by stitch,

Sewing life into the robe,

Pain in my fingers,

Thoughts fall away,

Emptiness remains.

Beginner's Mind, Beginner's Practice

When I first joined my sangha I felt that I knew something about something. I have come to the realization now that I know nothing about nothing. Not a bad thing, maybe a humbling thing, but at any rate, just a thing.

For years my practice has included various Buddhist readings (from all paths and authors, from Aitken to Warner), listening to podcasts and maintaining varying levels of commitment to sitting. However, it would seem that I have maintained the practice of a hermit. Now being exposed to other's practice, one thing that has become immediately apparent is that I had the tendency to leave my 'Zen' on the zafu.

As my practice deepens I have found that Zen is in everything and everywhere. Each moment is an opportunity to practice. Each blessing and hardship is an opportunity to grow, yet without a goal in mind. In the end I still find zazen to be my complete practice in itself, but carrying it away from the zafu has proved both challenging and rewarding, for this I am grateful.

Without anyplace to be but here, without anywhere to be but now.

Gassho,

Shawn

Wisdom of Children

Today I wanted to repost something I shared with my sangha...

I wanted to share a bit of enlightenment my daughters bestowed upon me this morning.

While sitting at the breakfast table, my two eight year olds, Ciera & Cheyenne, were talking about a conversation that Ciera had with a neighbour friend.

Ciera:

"Stacy was telling me that she has so many presents that they can't fit under her tree!"

Cheyenne:

"Maybe she has a small tree."

Once again I find myself bowing deeply to two of my wisest teachers...

May all your "trees" be small,

Gassho,

Shawn

Hardcore Sewing

Spent my first full day of vacation sewing. Yup, you heard right, sewing. Now, normally, it's my wife that threads the needle in our family. However, I was inspired after watching some videos on how to make a Nyoho-e Rakusu by Rev. Taigu, one of my teachers from Treeleaf sangha. Having some time off work and not a lot planned I thought it'd be an excellent opportunity to spend some time trying to learn this intricate technique.

The Rakusu is representative of Buddha's robes that he donned when he began his search for enlightenment. As such, when Zen Buddhist take the precepts and follow Buddha's example, they will prepare a Rakusu for Jukai ceremony.

What I have found most amazing about this process so far is the focus that is required along with the meditative aspect that is reached while in the midst of sewing. Furthermore, there is a great appreciation for the thought and detail that is put into how the garment is designed.

Kojun Kishigami Osho (Dharma Heir of Kodo Sawaki Roshi) has a wonderful lecture on the Zen Road page called "Wrapped in the buddha's robe." In it, he explains the logic of the design beautifully:

As you can see, the central piece is raised, which would allow the water to flow from the center towards the right and left, in the way that mountain water flows into a rice field. To obtain this elevation in the center, the pieces are layered on top of each other.

Furthermore, on this kesa, the measurements of the central piece are double those of the upper piece, indicating the maturing of the wearer’s Buddha-mind. This garment is worn by disciples; it is imbued with the Buddhist teaching and vision of the universe.

The depth and meaning behind this little piece of cloth grows with each stitch. I am looking forward to sewing my Rakusu for Jukai next year and am thankful for all the work Taigu has put forth in preparing the training for us.

Gassho,

Shawn