Ango 2011 - Day 2

• Started the day with ~45 Min zazen at 6am
• Love this time of the morning for sitting.  So peaceful and quiet.  I also love to have the sun cresting the horizon about half way through.  
• Only thing that could have made it better is if Morning by Grieg was being played on the shaku while I sat. :D
• Sat publicly on G+ with Roky, Morelos & Kevin (the guy I mentioned in the previous post).  Was really happy to see Kevin join...and of course the old regulars. :D
• Went for a bike ride with the family.
• I'm not in great shape...but not in horrible shape either.  I'm a typical 38 year old computer guy with three kids...so yeah, you do the math.
• Was great to be outside as it's been over 100F for the past three months in Dallas.  Dragging a Doodlebug behind my bike however brought me within an inch of my life.  But still great to be outside in 80sF temps!

• Mowed the lawn after the bike ride
• I always seem to have great insights while mowing the lawn.  Poems spring up like daisys (or maybe weeds), worlds are transcended and all that...but not today!
• Today was nice because the grass wasn't too high, but, in the practice of samu I could feel I was really into it.  I thought about how I was happy to be so fortunate to have such a big yard...but after I was grumbling about so much grass.  I was happy about the fact that I was using an electric mower, showing compassion for the environment.  But only after I was reminiscing how I used to have the energy to use the pushmower that is now rusting in the garage.  I was happy to think about how Tuesday was trash day and that the grass clippings wouldn't smell for very long in the garage, but only after I thought about them taking up landfill space and how I should've mulched it.  So all in all it was a great mow.  The practice of mindfulness helped me overcome a lot of little things that would have dragged me down had I 'watered' their negative seeds.   So I count it a win!
• Chop Wood
• Well, we had a tree die in our backyard after a bad hail storm in June.  Only thing remaining is a 6" wide stump...and it's subsequent roots.
• Being experienced in things household, I made sure I had the right tools.  
• I removed my juzu beads and placed them gently to the side and then proceeded to beat the crap out of that stump....all to no avail.
• About 30 minutes in my back was aching.  I was sweating like my buddy Chi when we used to take jiu jitsu (so, so gross) and I was completely beaten.
• Cleaned up the tools and put them away for another day.  
• Lesson learned here was to stop my old behaviour of getting angrier and angrier until I blew up.  I just realized that this practice was enough for the day and I moved on.  After all, as an old wise man said to me (my dad), "It'll be there tomorrow".
• Lunch with the family @ Rosas (Mexican)
• Went to have lunch at an old regular and come to find out EVERYTHING HAS LACTOSE!!
• Ended up getting chips, salsa & guacamole.  Left the restaurant for the first time feeling good.  Normally I am bloated and lethargic, seeking any sleeping apparatus like a zombie for a B movie.
• +1 for veganism! :D
• Shakuhachi Practice
• Once again worked on Choshi.  This time however I just focused on trying to get the right tone for a single note...and hold it.  Still sound like a warbler but at least I'm able to hit the note
• Practice, need more of.
• Shobo Studies
• Studied the Receiving the Marrow by Bowing
• Was intrigued by the discussion on women in the practice.  I like how Dogen was an EOE (Equal Opportunistic for Enlightenment)...though there is always somehow an underlying thread in Buddhism of sexism, it made me feel like Dogen was far ahead his time.  Many bows to him.
• Reminds me of the other book I am reading for a book club by Aoyama called Zen Seeds...she was an amazing woman and I'm so happy for her contribution.
• Valley Sounds, Mountain Colours
• Was mostly lost in this one.  Very beautiful and poetic. I really liked the poem that Zhiqin gave to Guishan about the peach blossoms...struck a chord with me.
• Refrain for Unwholesome Action
• Liked this one because it falls inline with precept study for Jukai.  Although the whole "refrain from" took me a couple readings to understand, there were a ton of jewels in this fascicle. 
• Visiting friends for dinner
• Good friends of ours Jukka & Sylvie, invited my family over for dinner.
• They know of my "condition" (Zen + Vegetarianism) and are very accommodating and show a genuine interest...hard to find in the deep south, on both accounts.
• Angie & I made couscous with veggies and Sylvie had bought some veggie burgers for the wife & I.  When we arrived, Jukka offered me a beer...standard practice for our meetings.  However with my Ango commitments I had to forego.  Wasn't super hard to be honest, but in some ways the social aspect of having a beer with my buddy was a bummer.  Jukka and I went to go cook the food (burgers for them, veg-burgers for us).  I read the packaging (standard procedure for veg-heads) and noticed it has mozzarella cheese in it.  Rubber hits the road.  After about 10 seconds of contemplation, I decided I would eat the burgers anyway.  My logic is that these fine people are going out of their way to accommodate my vegetarian diet.  In fact, Sylvie actually even ate the veggie burgers with us.  My conscience and etiquette out weighed my choice to abstain for cheese and I feel good about it.  Had I made a stink or worse, lied about not wanting the burgers, I'd be an idiot.  They are our close friends and took great lengths to be kind...I could not trample on that.  The burgers were great and the onions (which Jukka did in grapeseed oil so I didn't have to have butter) were perfect addition.  Wonderful evening and wonderful friends....we are truly lucky.
• Home late
• I was exhausted after arriving home.  It had been a looong day and very full and I really wanted to crash.  It was only 10:30ish but when you get up at 5:30 every morning it just kicks your butt.  However, I really wanted to sit.
• After I put my daughter into bed (already long gone asleep) I rushed downstairs and got to it.
• 25 Min zazen with the usual liturgy and I was diving into bed.
• Surprisingly I wasn't sleepy...though I always find that my mind has a tough time settling after a full day...maybe I should switch my duration to longer nights & shorter mornings...
• No G+ tonight...just old fashioned sitting.

Ango 2011 - Day 1

Today marks the first day of Ango for 2011.  I'm still trying to decide the format for my daily blogary, but maybe it can just evolve as the time passes.

• Started Ango with a bang.  Hosted by Fugen, we had a 90 minute zazenkai which consisted of Zazen (30 min), Kinhin (15 min) and Zazen (30 min).  
• Sat on Google+ with Dosho, Morelos, Shinkai, Soen & Roky.
• Lunch with family @ Red Robin
• Eating out is a challenge for vegans because everything has lactose in it in some fashion.  Fortunately they had a vegan Boca burger and fries which were pretty good.
• Coffee with Tony @ Starbucks
• Giving up coffee this was a challenge.  But I went with a Vanilla Bean Frap with Soy...was just mediocre and probably a green tea would've been a better choice.  
• Great conversation about life and work but even cooler topics like Ekhart Tolle.  Tony is reading his stuff and it was quite interesting how 'zen' some of the philosophies of Tolle are.  I've never read anything so will maybe read so I can talk about the parallels more easily.
• Shakuhachi Practice
• Practiced Choshi and was pulling my hair out.  The notes move into the higher register (kan) and I sound like a strangled goose...must...practice...more!! (Wife had a headache but silently suffered...metta to her).
• When I would get too frustrated, I'd focus back on Kyorei which is all in the otsu register and much more manageable for me. 
• Dogen Shobo study
• Read about cleaning our teeth with a willow twig and how I should scrape my tongue to near bleeding.  
• Also read about how animalistic some of the Chinese practictioners were because they used sticks that had hair like clumps on them.  (um...toothbrush?)  
• Couldn't find a willow twig around so just slummed it with the Chinese guys. :)
• Food Drive
• Made a website for Compassion in Action (just a FB Page) that will be home base for my dana activities.  
• First stop is a canned food drive for the North Texas Food Bank.
• - Zazen (25 Min) Solo but publicly on G+.
• Had an acquaintance on G+ mentioned he'd like to join me and then he sent me a private mail asking about my background and tradition and such.  Gave him the low-down on my practice and then directed him to Treeleaf for more information and support of his practice.  Would be great to have another G+'er to sit with!

Ango 2011 - Kick off

This weekend marked the start of Ango.  Ango is a three month intensive training period for Zen Buddhists.  With that, there is several things which one commits to with the goaless goal of deepening their practice.  As such, here are mine:

Commitments for Ango:

• ~45 Minutes (1 long incense stick) morning zazen (6am CDT) + a few minutes of liturgy (HS, Sandokai, DoM, VoA, FV, EJKG & Metta)
• ~25 Minutes (1 short incense stick) evening zazen (8pm CDT) + same liturgy as morning, maybe drop Sandokai, it's long, but I just really love it.
• Full vegan. 
• Previously I was a lacto-vegan (if that exists) and it was always a burden on my heart. To be so close to what I wanted to practice as compassion but not being able to drop dairy always has bugged me.
• Dropping of soda, coffee & beer. 
• Soda & coffee because it causes reflux for me and soda has lots of calories, so for health reasons. Beer because drinking 1 or 2 seems pointless. 
• Shobogenzo reading each day
• Academic study of Kaz Tanahashi's Shobo is my current focus. 
• 30 Minutes of shakuhachi or sewing practice per day.
• Depending on when I'm doing it sort of dictates which. Kids in bed means sewing...not shaku.
• Dana
• I have started a group on FB called Compassion in Action. First order of business is the North Texas Food Bank. Just doing a food drive and delivering it. After this I will begin to look at something maybe a bit different...maybe environmental or with people...still thinking about it
• Nurturing Seeds Practice
• This is a new one for me, but essentially not letting any negative 'seeds' take root in my thoughts.
• Practice Partner Exercises
• Weekly exercise to foster a strong practice with a partner and share Ango commitments
• Meet with Jundo or Taigu at least once a month for dokusan.
• Participate in Jukai preparations (Precept studies, Book readings and sewing of rakusu)
• Formal studies and practices of samu.
• Mindful eating preceded by meal gatha at each meal.
• Commit to attending Rohatsu retreat in December.

My plan is to post up a daily blog on my successes, failures and insights.  This will provide a three-fold benefit. Provide my practice partner, Shohei, an update of my day.  Secondly, provide a nice way to look back over the 90 day journey.  Lastly, provide some boring, funny, sad and pointless data for your viewing pleasure.

Thanks & Gassho!

Shawn

Life & Death Introspection

So this past week was an interesting one for me. A dear friend of mine, Jan, underwent major surgery for a large growth in her abdomen. She had emergency surgery last April for a hernia that was life threatening. During that surgery, they found a grapefruit sized growth in her lower abdomen. Incessant harassment to pay the bills from said surgery followed by depletion of her savings, she was left with a great deal of fear. Being sixty-odd years old, relying upon meager social security, and knowing there is a tumor inside her, she was paralyzed with fear. However, as the tumor continued to grow, her ability to function normally diminished, and she realized she had to act. So she went back to the doctor early this year for CT Scans and blood work. The tumor had grown to the size of a basketball. After being shuffled here and there between doctors and specialists, she finally had a surgery date set for this past week.

I was able to be with her during some of her appointments and, once again, got to see the love and compassion of this wonderful woman. Even while waiting to hear if the tests for cancer had come back positive or negative, she ministered to other women in the doctor's office, offering her name and number for prayer. Jan has been ministering to the elderly, incarcerated and friends and family for years. Offering letters of support, love and compassion. She was an inspiration to me that even during a time she should be seeking to be ministered to, she was ministering to others. In doing so I believe she found much solace and comfort. Truly a glimpse of Kannon Bodhisattva in action.

The cancer test (CA125) came back 4 times higher than normal. While this test is only an 'indicator' to possible cancer, when it's the only indicator you have, it becomes very powerful.

So I spent most of this week in deep practice. Much chanting, sitting and just analyzing my thoughts and feelings while trying to find the right words to say to help her. I had great doubt that the day of surgery would be a happy one. Boy was I wrong. Her daughter (my ex-wife) SMS'd me after surgery with "It was BENIGN!". I was overwhelmed with emotion.

This brings me to my introspection. During my meditations I tried to see the joy in a life well lived and not focus on the threat of cancer. I tried to realize that this life is a privilege and even 5 minutes on this merry-go-round should be cherished and handled with deep gratitude. I tried to think about the lives Jan touched. How many received her love and compassion. I talked with her about being in the present moment. How we cannot change our past, nor predict the future. How our lives are so intertwined that the concepts of not-existing are just that. I used examples of how my mom, who passed away 16 years ago is still alive today and will continue to be in the reverberations and ripples to the infinite futures.

However I honestly struggled to accept this in my own heart. I saw the risk of losing her as a painful and negative implication on my life and the life of my children, her grandchildren.

Flash forward to the SMS...the sense of relief, the sense of joy were overwhelming. I realize that I still struggle with separation. With the duality of good and bad. Of seeing the impermanence in things and that this 'skin bag', as Daido Roshi calls it, is just that. I have the concepts, I have the mental comprehension, but I still lack the application in much of my practice.

My hope is that through exercises such as this I will continue to come to a deeper realization of life and death, of good and bad being simply concepts, of the suffering that this needlessly creates. That these introspective narratives will provide opportunities for clarity. That Great Faith, Great Doubt and Great Perseverance will help me to evolve into a deeper awareness of my practice.

I am truly thankful to be here. To have these opportunities of practice. To have friends like Jan who continue to teach me about love and compassion.

Many deep bows.

May we all be free of suffering, may we feel safe and still.

May we all be free from enmity, may we be loving grateful and kind.

May we all be healthy, at ease in all our ills.

May we all be at peace, embracing all conditions of life.

_/\_

Hope

Tears fall like poisoned rain,

Waves of heartache crash endlessly,

Aftershocks reverberate deep within,

Spring blooms eternal.

For the 30 children of Kama Elementary.

In Memory of Mom

My mom passed away March 3rd, 1995. She graced this world for 54 years. As I have been doing a lot of thinking about her lately and have found that I miss her dearly and more deeply than ever. I have decided to dedicate a special time of practice to her memory.

Seeking to have some meaning, yet requiring none, I will dedicate the 5 days before and 4 days after March third of zazen to her and on a greater level mothers as a whole. Their role, sacrifices and love is very much needed in the world. Many times I see the bodhisattva Kannon/Avalokitesvara as a reflection of the role that motherhood fills.

My mother was never a religious person but always supportive of my existential searching. She always said that if she entered a church the roof would fall in on her. As I continue to practice I am of the belief that her life was a beautiful representation of pure practice, pure love of life and investing her time and being into what matters. Thank you mom for being such a wonderful example.

Nine bows.

Sewing the Kesa

I have been putting off posting about my sewing of the kesa. It was such an intimate practice that words seem to just tarnish the beauty of it all.

But such is life.

Stitch by stitch,

Sewing life into the robe,

Pain in my fingers,

Thoughts fall away,

Emptiness remains.